The Tortall Game Show
by KeitaWolf
Summary: The first rule of being in Tortall is we don’t talk about Tortall. rnThe second rule of being in Tortall is we don’t talk about Tortall.rnAll the women are mine, Thayet, Alanna, Kel, and that Yamani woman… Yuki or other...[ON HOLD]
1. King George

**Disclaimer: I do not own… A Knight's Tale, the Bible, God, Jesus, Bridget Jones Diary, CSI, Harry Potter Shopaholic, the Princess Bride, Sinbad, Fight Club or anything else I reference in here… Not to mention anything Tamora Pierce… I give the writers/authors the fullest resepect, i love their characters and would be nothing without them**

**(A/N: This is not meant for your pleasure. But instead to entertain myself as I prepare for exams… Grammar isn't so good, nor is the layout or storyline. I manage to make fun of Jesus in more than one way, so if you are a strong believing Christian then I wouldn't read this… or if you have any moral values. This is a very bad story, and not worth reading. Flames and evil "CC" are welcome, as it only adds to the entertainment this piece of wretched writing giving into my corrupt soul. I have soo much more writing potential (if I do say so myself – and I do) that this, but I'm also very raw and extremely bored. I like to read funny, be funny, but I can't write funny. YOU ARE FOREWARNED!)

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Welcome to Not Your Time, I, Tofattobekidnaped (But you can call me Pete) will be your host. We have taken your favorite stars, and placed them in the medieval world of Tortall. They will compete for a prize of sorts, though they don't know what it is yet… SOO, please welcome our guests;

Will Thatcher – Straight from A Knights Tale, Will appears to be the most competent of our components for this event.

Jesus – Our Old Historical… dude. Though he may appear to be all words and no action… well we just hope he's not.

Bridget – From Bridget Jones Diaries, is just waiting to prove herself, to well… herself.

Grissom – From CBC's CSI, while his social skills are… Lacking… He is a more than worthy competitor!

Harry Potter – Quite possibly the favorite here, though we don't know how well he'll get along with Jesus, he is sure to give this seasons some… magic.

Becky Bloomwood – From Shopaholic, Becky's ambition… is sure to help her in the world of Tortall.

Fezzik – From The Princess Bride, will use his strength to obtain victory.

Sinbad – Just off the Waters, Sinbad is playing to prove his masculinity to the world.

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Please welcome our guests and let us begin. Our contestants have been shipped across the Emerald Ocean. On their voyage our camera crew asked how they were feeling. Here's what they said.

Will – "Well there is no way I'm worried. I have this competition, I mean come on – Medieval world, I've been there, you know? I did those jousts and court arguments, I can take what ever they throw at me. There is no way I'm going to let some ambitious loser steal my prize."

Jesus – "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that's me!, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. So in other words, I'm gona win."

Bridget – "Well, I hope I do well. /gasp/ Do they have ciggies in this Tortall place… I mean, can I get a good drink there, I know they serve all this bloody ale stuff but do they have anything stronger, or a good bottle of wine maybe…"

Grissom – "Things aren't what they seem. I think this will be a tough competition. I don't want to make any assumptions, before completely analyzing my competitors."

Harry Potter – "Hey, I got this, I've survived potions, lived at the Dursley's for my whole life, I've put up with Draco (and his denial about his love for me), and more importantly I've killed the dark lord, temporarily, three times!!"

Becky Bloomwood – "Will we have free time to visit the shops. I mean, I am here for the cultural experience, so I mean, I should visit all the shops the locals do to get a better feeling about how they live…"

Fezzik – "I can not wait. I will win because it is fate. So to all the contestants' good bye; I like to eat rhubarb pie.

Sinbad – "I've fought monsters and survived the sea. More importantly I've fought off Mave and Bryn. There is no way I can lose this; even if some 15 year old wizard offers me his body… even then I won't lose…

* * *

Their ship arrived at Blue Harbor and the contestants rode horses to the capital Corus, where they were met by the King. King George, spoke to the contestants, and asked if he could have their ears, literally. Ha-ha, just kidding. King Jonathon greeted his new visitors, with a kind face and more than a few words.

"I don't want to ruin anyone's fun. But I have to lay down some rules. I'm king here so anything I say goes, got that "Oh, Son of God"?

The first rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.

The second rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.

All the women are mine, Thayet, Alanna, Kel, and that Yamani woman… Yuki or other.... Got it? ALL!

No one leaves without my permission, or else I'll tell this jewel I wear to send the trees after you.

Stormwings are there to laugh and throw things at. If you are their friend, I'll tell the jewel I wear to send the trees after you.

You can call me any of the following King Jonathan, His Royal Majesty, God, Sir Jonathan of Conté, Highness or MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers…. Does everyone understand? Okay, you can go sleep now."

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The morning bell rings, and our contestants begin to rise. In their proper rooms we've set up tapes to record what sound they make… and oh, it looks as if Grissom is the first to rise…

"/enter classical music here/ what an amazing dream… First I was walking down the road, and then I found a beetle. After watching it for a few moments, or so it seemed, I woke up. OOH! Look there it is now."

Interesting. Well doubtful this beetle will help Grissom on our first task today. And it looks like Wills Knight habits are kicking in… he seems to be the next one to wake.

"What? Where is the camera crew… this isn't like it was with a Knights Tale… They gave me hot showers, and what's this? A tub of… COLD WATER! I'm never going to make it through this. LET ME OUT!"

Well that's enough there… No imprisonment in this game… Characters can leave whenever they like… So long as the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers gives them permission. It seems that Bridget is the next to rise. Wonder what's she's thinking

"Hum, hum di hum. I'm every woman! It's all in me!! I'm every woman! It's all in me!! Something or other… a to z… whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I can cast a spell, with secrets you can't tell…. Uh... something or something I'M EVERY WOMAN IT'S ALL IN ME! ..."

ENOUGH of THAT! Wow… I'm going to need therapy for weeks… And it looks as if her singing /shudder/ has awoken Fezzik.

"Morning Mr. Sun, I hope you have lots of fun. It's time to get up, _pup._ Time to get out of bed_, fed_. I have to get ready, _bready,_ because today is a big day_, hay_."

…OH! Thank goodness… It seems as if Harry Potter has decided to wake up…

"Humm… What a wonderful dream. Draco… mmmm… I miss Draco…. But if I win I'll get the present he promised me… Presents from Draco always make me feel fuzzy inside…"

– Maybe these tape recorders in rooms weren't the best idea… I mean we don't really want to know what happens behind closed doors… No… we most certainly do not…

* * *

"Hello? Um excuse me… HELLO! LISTEN UP!"

"Turn the mic on will you!? We can hardly hear you!!" Came Will's voice from the back. Looking around for support he saw Bridget stuffing her cherry red face.

"HEY THATCHER! Shut your mouth! There are no mic-what ever you call them in Tortall! So… I'm Kel; I've trained as a knight here for umm… a bunch of years. I'm going to take you down to –"

"The shops?" Came Becky's voice from one of the tables.

"No, you will not be leaving the grounds today… and you don't have any coins… How do you plan to shop?"

"Um, well I could just browse… or I could maybe help build a house or something…"

"No, I think we'll stay here today… But, and here is the good part. It's time for your first task. So, eat up, and jog down to the practice courts."

Watching her leave, Grissom read a silent _"dang!"_ from Jesus's lips.

* * *

The practice courts were muddy, due to the rain that had fallen the night before.

"Will we be battling any deadly creatures today?" asked Sinbad starting to draw his sword.

_Gray._

"I'm not aloud to talk about it." Echoed Kel's voice from behind them; everyone spun to see Kel walking through the crowd. They all watched her as she approached the front, so it was only Grissom, who saw Jesus re-adjusting his robe, and massaging red lips. He was panting and Grissom quickly turned to face the front.

A number of young men walked into the ring. Lead by a man with a scar down his face, and another short young man with red hair.

"Welcome," said the boy with red hair, or wait… was it a boy?

"SINNER! SINNER!" A voice from the rear of the crowed yelled. "You hide your true sex from us! You betray GOD! And should be burned!"

_Churned_

Jesus walked forward holding out a cross. "You're first day and your accusing me of something? I'm touched. Here let us sort this out man to man, or better off man to woman." The red haired… woman? Repeated.

"I will win! God will give me the strength to defeat you!"

_Blue_

Looking at Jesus, the… woman? determined that he was unarmed, and threw her weapons aside. The two walked to the center and looked eye to eye.

"Let us settle this in the only fair method…"

_Hethod_

"Aye let us. Lord Wyldon, if you would be so kind?"

_Blind_

"Certainly," said the man with the scared face. "On my count begin. One,"

_Thumb _

"Two!"

_True_

"Three!"

_Bumblebee_

"You're father was a cross dresser!" Shouted Jesus

"You father is so old, he can't even walk his humans!" The… woman? Shouted back

"Your hair looks like the underside of a wild boar!" Jesus said without pause.

"Your cross looks like an addition sign." The… woman? Spat.

"You're fat!" Shouted Jesus

"You're fatter!" shouted the… woman?

"You're fattest!" returned Jesus

"You're fattest plus one!" said the… woman? taking a step forward.

"DISQUALIFICATION!" Came the voice of the scared man.

_Transportation_

"CONTESTANT ALANNA OF TREBOND AND OLAU YOU HAVE BEEN DISQUALIFIED."

_Modified _

"WHAT!?" exclaimed the… woman?

"You stepped over your line. You are disqualified and Jesus of Bethlehem wins."

_Spins_

"Amen to that," Jesus said. "Sinners will never triumph" he said looking smugly at the… woman?

With two (that's 2) swift steps the red haired… woman? Bound forward and slugged him between the legs. As Jesus collapsed the… woman bent down so she could look him in the eye. "Sinners will never triumph." Said the… woman, very quietly before turning to the audience which had gathered.

"OKAY! Now that he's done with we can start the first task. It is called… /drum roll here/ dun dun dun dun dun…"

"Well are you going to tell us or not?" Came Bridget's voice from inside the crowed.

"Well of course, I was just building the suspense… are you all ready?" The… woman? Looked around eagerly as the contestants all started annoyed at... her? Smug face.

"Teddy," came a deep whisper from the back of the crowed.

"What was that?" …She? asked.

"N-Nothing," Fezzik answered.

"Yes, you said Teddy… Why did you say teddy… No one knows about teddy, I keep him a secret from George… n-no one knows about him… not even The MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers… how did you know about TEDDY!?" the… err woman (man this is getting awkward…) asked.

"I don't know Teddy, but you said Ready, and teddy rhymes with ready, so I said teddy."

"You like to rhyme? But that's impossible, then… WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE FIRST TASK!?" Fezzik just looked at her blankly… "Damn that MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers, I knew those "The first rule about worship me club is we don't talk about worship me club" rules were only so he could help people cheat… No matter. Today's task is… RHYMING; because as you can see all knights must know how to rhyme."

"Can we buy a rhyme?" Came Becky's voice from the front of the crowed.

"No, I'm afraid you can't… but you can come up with one from you head if that helps."

"If someone messes up can we watch them dance naked?" Sinbad asked giving a sidelong glance to Harry, who burst into tears.

"No, I'm afraid this is rated PG so we have to keep it – PG, but you're welcome to sexually attack the wizard on your own time"

"Excellent," said Sinbad, grinning at Harry who muttered something that no one but Grissom could read as, _I will not betray Draco for the very cute sailor._

"Okay, well I'm going to give a word and we'll go down the line and who ever doesn't get it well loses. So let the rhymes begin!" the… woman said. "Bar" Voices went off one by one Will, Jesus, Bridget, Grissom, Harry, Becky, Fezzik, and Sinbad.

"Jar, Far, Tar, molecular, star, Babar, car, scar."

"I'm afraid Grissom that you're out, molecular is pronounced molecul-er, not ar as in Bar."

"In Norwegian context it is, considering the spelling it should be pronounced _ar_ but because it has been spoken so often the human mind changes it to _er_ to aid in the articulation. At the lab everyone says it with an _ar_." Replied Grissom.

"WELL NOT IN TORTALL! YOU'RE OUT GO SIT WITH THE FLIES BY THE SWAMP OF FAILURE!" The… woman? replied in temper.

"Flies, really? Okay, well good luck everyone… I think I'll just watch."

"Fizzard." There was some mumbling weather or not that was a word, but they numbered off just like last time.

"uh... drizard, izzard, lizard, Twizard, blizzard, gizzard, wizard."

"Well Will and Jesus you're both out. Drizard is not a word nor is izzard."

"Actually," replied Jesus evenly, now that he had regained feeling between his legs, "it is…"

"And what does it mean?" the… woman? asked evenly.

"I have no idea, but God says it is…" he said, and upon seeing her gaze he added in quickly, stumbling over the words "and so does the computer spell check."

"Oh... Okay then, Will you can go sit with the bug guy and we'll start again. Now all that remain are Jesus, Bridget, Harry, Becky, Fezzik, and Sinbad" Watching him leave she added, "Water"

"Totter, lotter?, hotter (Grissom watched as he mouthed Draco after finishing), err... butter…, daughter, Potter."

"Well Bridget and Becky, you're both our… Lotter is not a word, and butter doesn't rhyme with water."

"Couldn't you just pretend?" asked Becky

"No." she states evenly, "now leave." Turning to the remaining four men…or… boys… or I guess males would be more suitable… she said evenly, "Shorts"

"Ports, Hogwarts, Wart, um.. Gwarts!"

"I'm sorry Sinbad but you'll have to leave… Gwarts isn't an answer."

"Yes.. he's the writers' orthodontist!"

"Yes, but the writer also says that his name doesn't count and that she'll see you tomorrow morning, but that for now you can go sit with the two ladies," Looking over at them she added "see their waving."

Groaning Sinbad began to walk over to Becky, Bridget and the other losers while mumbling "Stupid Harry took the only rhyming word about himself… I had to make up something on the spot." Only Grissom read on his lips what came next_, witty little wizard, aren't you, who's bad – Sinbad…_

The… woman? began again. "Last time now everyone. Now Jesus, Harry and Fezzik the winner of this will get to join His Royal Highness The MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers in his chambers tonight. And the word is…" Looking at Jesus… she? grinned and said through smiling lips "Cod, like the fish mind"

"GOD!" shot out Jesus triumphantly. Fezzik and Harry looked at each other disgusted and both shouted in unison "I GIVE UP!"

* * *

And so that night Jesus spent a sleepless evening in The MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers's bed chamber. We indulged ourselves just once more with our audio recorders and came up with this from The MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers's bed chamber.

"Oh, My GOD!"

Good night everyone or at least it is here for some of our contestants, as they learn how to survive in the medieval world of Tortall. Stay tuned for next weeks episode where one of our contestants will be executed, by The MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers. See you next week, this is Tofattobekidnapped or Pete… you're choice. Wishing all those Americans a Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else in the world, a happy Turkey less night. That's all for now; Good Bye.

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**Muhahaha, this was written during American Thanksgiving, but I only got to post it now. I WELCOME FLAMES WITH AN OPEN HEART – come here Mr.Flame, come share my bed… More to come, if I feel like it… and other than that – You must be some sucker to have read all that to the end… What motivated you!?**


	2. I have an Ear!

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned last chapter, Richard Simmons (though he can be bought on e-bay) I do not own the bible (and most of Jesus quotes are in fact directly from the bible." I OWN NOTHING TAMORA PIERCE I love all these works, even if i do not follow the bible, alot of it is a great book. Take into consideration that most of everything in this chapter is compiled of things i have heard before; in other words that none of it is mine, but only bits and pieces of everyone. Steffani gets credit for Richard Simmons, brilliant, just brilliant. **

**A/N: Thanks for the flame – it made me happy, especially knowing that you think this has nothing to do with Tortall because you're right I made up King Jonathan, and Kel, and the Lady night… also the name Tortall… just ignore the disclaimer – it does not apply to you. (If that made no sense, just know that this story was deleted and then reposted after changing the location, content and disclaimer.)**

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Welcome back to Not Your Time, I, Tofattobekidnapped (But you can call me Pete) will be your host again this week. We left your favorite stars in the medieval world of Tortall, where they were struggling to get along. The competition for the unknown prize is getting very intense… so some would say. It seems as if the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers would like to start this episode off with an announcement.

"Last night I pondered who would be leaving our world today (with their 8th place prize of course). I collaborated with others… and came to the conclusion that Jesus, is not as we previously disclosed as being a person who is all words and no action. In fact he talks while he is in action... AHEM! PG… right sorry…. anyways, after much collaboration I have decided that Bridget, will be the one to leave. Though she adds much color to our show, we seem to have run out of ale. Bridget would you please come up here to collect your prize?"

"I get a prize for last place? THIS IS AWESOME!" Running to the stage Bridget tripped and managed to pants His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers. Grinning at Jesus His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers slowly pulled up his breeches, and hand over Richard Simmons.

"Who's this guy!?"

"That's Richard Simmons." Said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers mater-of-factly.

"I understand that," she said looking at Richard. "But what am I supposed to do with him?"

"Anything you like" Said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers, winking at Jesus.

"Oh…" said Bridged finally comprehending, as she practically ran off stage with Richard in tow.

"Right," said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers. "Name off I want to know who's left."

"Will"

_Bill_

"Jesus"

_School bus_

"Grissom"

_Cookie crumb_

"Harry Potter"

_Terry's Hotter (hehe_ that was a good one!!)

"Becky"

_Wecky _

"Fezzik"

_Oh, that is me _

"Sinbad"

_Never had…_

"All right be quiet, I didn't ask for your life story… though Jesus yours was quite interesting… Your daddy sent you to his only son, to his people, so they could kill you, in order for them to avoid his wrath. So emotional," he sobbed reaching for a tissue. "So emotional… But who really cares how messed up your dad is. Time for the next task, which is really quite simple; we will be break you into three teams, two of two and one of three. Let me see…"

"I'll be with someone!" Shouted Becky.

"Aye," replied His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers "Aye, that is what I'm doing right now, putting someone with someone…"

"Okay, good, just letting you know. Because it might save you some troubles…"

"YOU ARE CAUSING ME SOME TROUBLES! SO STOP!"

"Yes… MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfSomethingOrOtherICanNotRemmeber,"

"Okay, the teams will be Will, Jesus, and Fezzik. Grissom and Becky. And Harry and Sinbad."

"YES!" Cried Sinbad. Harry turned and cried into Jesus' robes.

""Happy shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock," said Jesus gently patting Harry on the back.

His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers was the one to address this issue "Yes, Yes, we know, we know, you love the children Jesus, you love the children… Not your task is to find the following people and collect an item from them… Kel,"

"YES!" shouted Jesus, through his preaching

Fingering the dominion jewel that hung around his neck His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers continued. "Numair, Thayet, Alan…na?, George, and Roger. Then you must return to me with the items they give you."

"Didn't Roger die?" Shouted one of the servants clearing away the breakfast dishes

"Haha… well off you go don't be late, it's a race you know. The winners get a prize, and one of the losers has to leave, you have until dusk… FLEE DAMN YOU!!"

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**Okay here is where I make it really simple… Team "In the Name of God" is team Will, Jesus, and Fezzik. Team "Money Analysis" is team Grissom and Becky, and team Sinbad and Potter will hence forth be called "Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body." Now that that is settled THE HUNT!

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As they exited the hall servants gave each player a weapon. I feel like making an organized list like my teacher once showed me so here we go

**In the Name of God**

Fezzik: A Sword

Jesus: A Mace (which he coaxed Fezzik into carrying)

Will: A bottle of an unidentified liquid

**Money Analysis**

Becky: A bat

Grissom: A Dagger

**Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body**

Harry Potter: An Axe

Sinbad: A Mage's Staff

**WOW! Wasn't that fun!! Now on with the story!!

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**Money Analysis**

G: Come one, let's run. I think we should start from the bottom of the list and work up. People will be more inclined to work down, and if we break the pattern then we could very well win.

B: Right… Well could I just get changed into my scavenger outfit? I mean, I can't scavenger without it on, and I bought these really cool shoes to wear with it, and a little hand bag that says "Diva", so there is no way we can lose with that!

G: … Make it fast, we can't lose this

**Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body**

S: Here Harry, grab my hand we'll move faster if we run together.

H: NO! Keep away from me… I'll, I'll cast a spell on you!

S: Oh Harry, you know that you can't use magic during school break… my, you are young aren't you. Come here, let us go find some quiet place…

H: No you don't!

As Sinbad ran off after Harry he managed to herd him towards the practice courts.

**In the Name of God**

J: "He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the Lord."

F: Hoard

W: Hey, Son of God, where do you get that stuff!

F: Gruff

J: My Daddy has some crazy friends who hear voices and think it's him… It's from their documentary. My therapist says by reciting parts of it, that it helps with my Anger Management. He says it helps me understand my father through the eyes of others… what ever that means…

F: Beans

W & J: Will you shut up!

F: Yup!

**Team we argue like a married couple, so we couldn't agree on a team name Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body**

Alan…na?: Hello, you found me.

S: What? Oh, right… See Harry I told you the practice courts would be a perfect place…

H: Sir… Alan-na please – h-help, m-me… S-Sin /gasp/ bad, wants m-my /wheeze/ body.

Alan…na?: Well why don't you throw your axe at him!

S: How about I put off sexual attacks for now… and um… you take Alan..na?'s item and we win…

H: okay…. What's your item?

Alan…na?: Just the cow-sized boulder behind me.

S: How are we supposed to do that!!??

Alan..na: I don't care. It's not my problem. I just pass out the rocks.

H: Listen. Leave the boulder here, and I'll bring it when we need it.

S: You're an amazing person Harry, I truly admire you strength

H: Hey! You promised!

S: Oh, Yea… let's go… who's next?

H: Do you want to try George?

S: Sounds good.. Hey Alan…na?

Alan…na?: Aye,

S: Where can we find your latest boy toy?

Alan…na?: Oh, Stefan is in the stables.

S: …What about your husband?

Alan…na?: Oh you mean George… Right… well he's at the Dancing Dove.

H: Let's Go!

**Money Analysis**

B: Let's go find Numair. That's a cool name.. Num-air. What do you think Mr. Grissom… Oh, do you have a first name?

G: Gill. All right, Numair is a mage, I saw his name on the wall in the entrance hall. If we go through the palace, his name will be on a door.

B: Great! Let's go!

**In the Name of God**

W: Who should we find first?

J: " . . . and the people lamented because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."

F: Hotter

W: Yes, I agree, let's go find the hot women…. But which one?

F: Mum

W: Good choice, we'll go after the Queen Mum… not the dead British one mind… Jon's wife…

J: "Circumcise yourselves to the Lord, remove the foreskin of your hearts..."

W: You're one sick man Jesus.

**Team we argue like a married couple, so we couldn't agree on a team name Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body**

H: What does that sign with a bird say?

S: Peacock Pub

H: No the other one,

S: Kingfisher Karaoke

H: What about the one to the left…

S: THE DANCING… duck….

H: Weren't we looking for the dancing Dove?

S: Yep, But maybe we missed it…

H: Let's Keep going… We're sure to find it ahead… these people sure seem to like birds though…

S: Yea… I like to eat bird… and there is this one Hawk that carries these sexual messages from me to his sister, but I didn't know he was a man.

H: YOU PROMISED!

S: Sorry, sorry, sorry…. what's this one?

H: Blue Jay Bar? Darn. We missed it… I think these are alphabetical…

S: Hum…. Oi! Excuse me sir? Can you help us?

Random Man: Yes, take an ear and hurry up. You're not going to finish in time.

H: Who are you?

Random Man: I'm George

S: Oh… okay, well can we have one without a wart?

George: Picky aren't we!

H: Great, now let's find that Wizard!

S: There are more of you?

H: You bet!

**In the Name of God**

J: "...they have rejected the word of the Lord, and what wisdom is in them? Therefore I will give their wives to others..."

F: Mothers

W: Is your dad a pimp?

J: No, why would you think that?

W: Never mind… Hey look it's Thayet!

Thayet: OOOH! Hello there, I suppose you would like your item…

F: Yessem.

Thayet: Well here it is… Now that's only good for 100 silver coins… If you need something more, I know a really great guy who could fix you up.

J: What is this!

Thayet: A Gift Certificate for Plastic Surgery, DUH!

F: Woah!

J&W: SHUT UP!

F: / hiccup/

W: I say we try the mage guy now…

J: Amen.

W: What?

J: "Thus a married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives...

W: You're hopeless.

**Money Analysis**

G: Here! Look it's the this Numair's room

B: Great we'll just let our selves in. /opens door/

G: Hello?

Daine: Why hello…. AAHH! You're not King Jonathan!

B: No, and you're not Numair… or wait! Did you turn yourself into a Girl so you could meet MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfSomethingDoerOfWhoKnowsWhatAndSomeOtherReallyLongWords, alone?

Daine: NO! That's preposterous! What do you want?

G: We were looking for your husband. He has something I need.

Daine: What do I have!? I mean… what does my husband need to give you…?

G: An item.

Daine: Oh, I lost those….

**Enter Team we argue like a married couple,**

**So we couldn't agree on a team name**

**Harry want to die and Sinbad wants his body**

H: Who are you people?

Daine…: What do you want?

S: An Item.

Daine…: I told these people!! I lost those. My memory isn't that great okay!

G: How many have you found so far?

S: LOOK AN EAR!

**Enter Team In the Name of God**

F: Here!

J: "Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother- in-law...."

Daine…: Good, well at least you aren't looking for an item.

J: That too.

Daine…: Hey look it's dusk and here come King Jonathan.

**Enter MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoer-**

**OfGoodAndBanisherOf-**

**EvilDoingsThatAreNotAs-**

**GoodAsSomeOthers.**

KJ: Hello all, Nu-I mean Daine. What items have you collected?

J: Well my Lord, we visited your wife –

KJ: YOU DID WHAT!

J: Well you did list her.

KJ: Right… and what did she give you?

J: A gift certificate..

KJ: Typical. What of everyone else.

G: We didn't find anything.

B: No that's not true, We found a way to communicate better, I mean, I never knew you before, and now I know your name is gill.

J: Gill… Like the fish?

G: Yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

J: "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you."

G: I don't believe in you.

J: NO!

G: Yes. I am afraid too many wars have been fought in your name.

J: How dare you! "But God will shatter the heads of his enemies..."

G: Wonderful. I look forwards to seeing the coroner again.

KJ: That is enough! Harry, Sinbad what have you found?

S: Well I have this ear, and Harry has the boulder.

H: yea, one second. Accio Big Rock!

/big rock flies in and lands behind MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers/

KJ: Very Nice…

Daine: I could do better.

KJ: that reminds me Arram, you mages staff is in my chamber, come and get it later.

Daine: I would be more than willing…

KJ: Wonderful… well go to your rooms, and sleep a little… Grissom or Becky will be leaving next week. SO LEAVE AND PACK!

* * *

So we draw this week to a close. I am Toofattobekidnapped (but you can call me Pete). Don't forget our contestants all recieved their battle items today. And we've seen a growing relationship between a number of our contestants. Mainly with the king, but Harry seems to be warming to Sinbad. We interviewed His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOther just moments ago, and he wanted to leave you with this 

"Stop reading now, I do not want to share my women, or my men, or my men women at that. People have started to break my rules. Remember!

The first rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.

The second rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.

All the women are mine, Thayet, Alanna, Kel, Jesus, Numair, Numair in disguise and that Yamani woman… Yuki or other.... Got it? ALL!

No one leaves without my permission, or else I'll tell this jewel I wear to send the trees after you.

Stormwings are there to laugh and throw things at. If you are their friend, I'll tell the jewel I wear to send the trees after you.

Now turn those bloody cameras off, I have a meeting with Nu-Daine, and h-she is more than certainly going to try and coax me into giving back that mages staff…."

* * *

**A/N: More will come... after exams, hopefully before I leave for Florida, or maybe later... I lost the 12 or so reviews I had before... eh. No big, please send me some hate, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. **


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